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The Four Ds of Disconnection


DIAGNOSE
Telling people our diagnosis, analysis, moral judgement, or evaluation, rather than examining the needs underneath our evaluation.

DESERVE
Judging who is right, wrong, good, bad, and who deserves to be rewarded or punished. "Deserve" assumes an omniscience or universal rule, such as declared by God, law, or "everyone agrees."

DENY CHOICE / RESPONSIBILITY
Blaming others for our feelings, obscuring choice by saying "I had to" or "You have to" or "Should," inducing guilt and/or shame.

DEMAND
Threatening bribing, bullying, inducing fear of punishment or promise of reward. When someone gives us what we want because of a demand, we will pay the price at some point. This is my favorite NVC principle: We ONLY want people to do things because it serves them, otherwise, we want to hear "No." The very act of giving empathy is to let go, at least temporarily, of our agenda.
 
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 Contact Scott Swain for mediation and Emotional Intelligence Tools training for business, love, and parenting.